God: you’re a clam.

Clam: yippee skippee!

God: you have a hard outer shell.

Clam: but I’m a big softie on the inside!

God: you live in the ocean.

Clam: [puts Salt Life sticker on shell] yay!

God: lol you’re in a good mood.

Clam: I’m as happy as a me : )

God: you’re a black cat.

Black Cat: ok!

God: you’re bad luck to everyone but Halloween Witches.

Black Cat: why do they like me?

God: you bring them seance candles.

[later]

Black Cat: I’ve got ocean mist, clean cotton or christmas cookie.

Witch: ar-are those yankee candles?

God: you’re a mantis.

Mantis: actually I’m a praying mantis.

God: oh I like that very pious.

Mantis: thanks : )

God: you know what just for that I’m gonna give you your pick of where you want to live AND what you eat.

Mantis: yay!

Dung Beetle: ok hold up.

God: you’re a spider.

Spider: I don’t like that name.

God: um ok what do you wanna be called.

Spider: well I have long legs.

God: so spider lo-

Spider: daddy long legs : )

God: w-what?

Spider:

God:

Spider: [whispers] call me daddy.

God: I’m very uncomfortable right now.

God: you’re a kori bustard.

Kori: ok.

God: you’re the worlds heaviest flying bird.

Kori: how much can I weigh?

God: 42 lbs or 19 kgs.

Kori: is that max flying weight?

God: yep!

Ostrich: [wearing Lululemon yoga pants and sweatband standing on a scale] only 278 lbs to go : )

God: you’re a wolf.

Wolf: cool quick question.

God: sure.

Wolf: who’s that?

Dog: [tail wag] hi!

God: he’s your distant relative.

Wolf: we’re related?

God: on your Mom’s side.

Wolf: ugh could this day get more embarrassing?

God:

Pug: [buggy eyes and heavy breathing].

I finished a Hyrox fitness race competition this weekend in New York. Had fun. Prolly do it again.

God: you’re a fish.

Fish: nice.

God: a group of you is called a school.

Fish: oh no!

God: what’s wrong?

Fish: I’m probably a terrible student : (

God: why?

Fish: my grades are all below sea level : )

God:

Fish:

God: my cod.

My all-time favorite joke I’ve written : )
Bon Appetit 🐸

God Creates Buffalo equals Wholesome Fun.

God: you’re a goose.

Goose: actually I’m a silly goose.

God: what?

Goose: everyone thinks I’m mean but I’m actually quite silly.

God: I don’t know what to say.

Goose: say I’m a silly goose.

God: no.

Goose: say it.

God: I’m not saying it.

Goose: [pinches God’s nose] HONK!

When I try to fix something in the house my 6 yr old asks if she can help. There usually isn’t much she could do and in fact she might make it take longer but I always have to remember if I tell her no enough times when she wants to spend time w/me, one day she may stop asking.

Wife: I don’t recognize any new artists nowadays.

Me: same, in fact if it wasn’t from 1600-1750 I don’t wanna hear it.

Wife: why is that?

Me: If it ain’t Baroque don’t fix it : )

Wife:

Me: come on that pun was fire lol.

Wife: nope.

Me: [whispers] too hot to Handel.

God: you’re a human.

Human: what does that mean?

God: as a species you’re the worst.

Human: oh no : (

God: yeah.

Human: is it too late to change?

God: it’s never too late.

Human: what do I do?

God: just be kind to each other.

Human: that’s it?

God: [nods] that’s it.

Son: knock, knock.

Me: who's there?

Son: owls say who.

Me: owls say who who?

Son: yes they do : )

Me: wait-did you just tell your first dad joke?

Son: yep!

Me: [under breath] the student has become the master.

new Selfie who dis?

I asked my kindergartner how school was and she said “first it was bad but then it was great!” so I asked her what happened and she said “I saw a caterpillar on the wall!” and that was it, that’s all it took to turn her whole day around and now my whole day has turned around : )

God: you’re a kiwi.

Kiwi: so I’m a bird but I can’t fly?

God: true but you can do something other birds CAN’T.

Kiwi: really what’s that?

God: you can smell through your beak so good!

Kiwi:

God:

Kiwi: wanna know what I smell right now?

God: sure!

Kiwi: I smell bullsh-