Anyone else too proud to ask where the rest room is in a restaurant so you just go through the first door you see and end up picking up a shift?

Trying to get better at my air harmonica. Right now it looks too much like my air corn on the cob.

Hey people with tattoos, as a guy that struggles with eye contact I want to say thanks for the alternatives.

I think there’s an unspoken rule that if a young couple sees me working at a coffee shop they’ve gotta make out at the table right in front of me.

Every time I nap I’m so thrown off the only solution is to go back to sleep.

Every hipster barista appears decaffeinated.

Tip If you want to take your jacket off in the middle seat, dislocate both of your shoulders.

I’m always worried about making a bad first impression, so now I’m trying to spread the rumor that I’m a method actor and I’m playing a real idiot.

Every time I’m bowling I’m like, “I wish this was golf.”

I’m worried if I yelled “EVERYBODY OUT! I NEED THE ROOM!” They’d just keep hangin.

I must be a trusting person because I fall asleep in public A LOT.

Ever since I started counting calories, I’ve been really trying to cut back on counting.

The euphemism for pitching a tent is so much easier than the real thing.

When I wake up I look like I was just rescued from a mineshaft.

I think I want to learn dance fighting so that I can be ready for when both break out at my wedding.

Counting calories makes every day a game that I don’t want to play

Anytime someone upsets my girlfriend’s I get so mad. It’s like what’s wrong with you? How could you do that to me?

Cats are always playing “the floor is lava.”

Just found a woman in a painting attractive. I was like, “Man, if I wasn’t in a relationship..I’d look at this longer.”

Penguins have the same walk as me when I didn’t realize we need to put in a new roll of toilet paper.