Helping someone move is just a game of tetris with back pain

You tell them one time that their nipples are delightful and they ghost you

'Explorer? But I barely know her'
-Indiana Jones, probably

[job interview]
Why do you want to join ESPN?

*envisions tight football pants & locker room interviews*

To get inside the player's head

I don't fear anything after enduring math homework with my Father all those years

Chiropractors are doctors as much as I'm a soft serve specialist at McDonald's

I'm a very caring person, but I also have a pretty strong sense of 'whatever.'

The trick is to remember that you deserve to be happy.

Once upon a time, she was happy. She wishes you knew her then.

My husband told me he had feelings too! Damn, if that didn't hit hard!

I enjoy the taste of my own medicine
When it’s on your spoon

With all the roads in front of her, she hid behind the walls that made her feel safe.

The feminine urge to correct a bot’s grammar…

Don't hate someone because of what they look like on the outside, hate them for the piece of shit they are on the inside

There is no urinating on the Golden Bachelor?

I’ll be live reading dialogue from various episodes of Baywatch. Not sure which site to post the vids but I’ll keep you in the loop.

Thought I was experiencing the rapture last night but it turned out it was just gas.

Pretty sure that Better Than Sex Cake was named by a virgin.

I fear that Senator Tuberville’s blockade of military promotions will prevent Private Parts from ever rising to the rank of Major Woody.