No reviews?!

Choose your own adventure but it's a) getting up in the middle of the night to use the bathroom and not getting back to sleep or b) ignoring the urge to get up to use the bathroom and not getting back to sleep

My flex is remembering to bring reusable bags and then leaving them in my car when I get to the market.

google driving assistant: at the next intersection head north

me: *squints for moss on rocks*

A friend of mine broke her shoulder mountain biking and because she's 60 people keep telling her to slow down and maybe it's time to stop. I broke my foot just walking down a flat sidewalk and falling down but because I was only 34 no one told me to stop walking

Angel of The Lord: B̷E̸ ̴ N̵U̴T̷ ̶ A̵F̸R̶A̷I̸D̵

Me: Oh my goodness, what are-- did you just say nut afraid?

Angel of The Lord: Yeah you have a nut allergy now, l̶m̵a̶o̸

My local origami club puts on a show every christmas. They're not very good, but I love watching the drama unfold.

A little-known fact about Cyber Monday is that it's also a Monday in real life

mock ing
🤝 🤝
YEAH
🤝 🤝
bird yeah

nothing calms the anxiety like watching true crime documentaries on the most awful subjects ever

I was thinking about how buying new clothes just creates more laundry when I was struck by the ironing

Our Alexa flashes every time we get an Amazon delivery, which is why there are 200 teens at the door thinking we’re throwing a rave.

Die Hard is the beta for Hallmark Christmas movies.

Next time someone says “I’m a hugger” and tries to hug me I’m gonna say “I’m a kicker” and see how it goes.

Doing things a little more loudly than they need to be done so your spouse can hear that you're doing things

the older you get
the less you know what’s going on
the more you know what’s real

GoldenEye 007 cosplay done right.

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Big dogs are the best because you can hug them like a person and, also, they won’t let anyone kill you.

Me: *staring at the mangled leftover turkey sitting in cold broth*

My husband: looks like Buffalo Bill bathtub soup