In high school we had to do a presentation on a current event topic that intersected with our Catholic faith. I chose birth control pills vs. the Rhythm Method and said the latter didn’t work. My teacher said, “How do you know this?” I said, “Well for starters I’m standing here.”

So let me get this straight. I’m supposed to carry this baby for 9 months, feed it every 3 hours, take care of it constantly until it becomes an extension of me and then one day I’m just supposed to let them go off into the big world by themselves and hope they text occasionally?

I think it’s a rule of physics that when you’re waiting on reply, every unimportant app on your phone will send a notification.

I GOT MY STATE TAX REFUND GET DRESSED BABY WE'RE GOING TO WHITE CASTLE

Boss: “What did you accomplish today?”

Me: “Tiger Woods made his 24th cut at the Masters.”

Might get wild and laminate some things tonight

Twitter during that Bronco chase would have been gold

Allegedleigh would be a great girls’ name.

So many times throughout the day I feel like that Ben Affleck smoking meme.

Being an adult is getting some extra money & being excited about paying off a credit card rather than buying something fun.

I hate it here.

All meetings should happen at 11am. This is the best and only time for a meeting. Anything before that is unreasonable, too early. Then it's lunch. Between 2 and 4 is just a lull. After 5 it's offensive.

“Good day, sir. I’d heard you’d recently come into possession of some bread. I see that I was not misinformed. As it so happens, I too enjoy baked goods. Might you be persuaded to part with a small percentage? I would of course offer fair compensation at the current market rate.”

We keep a calendar in the kitchen for social commitments, My husband just yelled, “WHO IS KATIE?” I said, “A high school friend I haven’t seen in 20 years. She’s hosting a party this Sunday 4-6. You’re going to love her!”

Husband, a tear in his eye, whispered, “No.” #themasters

'Not to brag, but I can make my kids angry just by saying, 'Good morning.'

20s: *loves brunch. usually forgets to eat breakfast or lunch

40s: *brunch is the meal between breakfast and lunch

Why is there no left handed toilet paper? We have the technology.

Husband: Good morning!

Me: You're right; I should go back to bed.

Telling me not to look at it only makes me want to look at it more.

Sorry, my ego won’t allow me to talk about my ego…

😬 Not looking good Jim… #themasters

(Via: Sean Zak)