The Official Pout of the Republican Party or Angry Chipmunks Who Need To Use The Bathroom

Today Lindsey was:
- Outside the courthouse holding a boombox blaring I WILL ALWAYS LOVE YOU
- Brunching with Melania to talk about men
- Texting Mike Johnson 'Jesus hates you'
- Sneaking into Trump Tower to use the gold toilet
- Telling Stormy to 'back off' with his eyes

Which is more embarrassing: that only a handful of Trump supporters showed up at the courthouse, or that they were led by Andrew Giuliani

Some people claim Trump's praising Robert E. Lee out of racism, but he's really trying to suck up to Robert's wife, Sara Lee

Surprise witnesses:
- Putin claiming, 'He was with me all night'
- Trump's pants, begging for mercy
- Mike Johnson explaining, 'The 10 Commandments aren't binding'
- Lauren Boebert cooing, 'Hey there, Mr. Handsome Judge'
- Eric Trump insisting, 'Stormy isn't my Mom'

How Trump is preparing for today's trial:
- Asking his lawyer for a loan because 'I forgot my wallet'
- Calling last number he had for Melania
- Kicking Lindsey Graham in the stomach 'for luck'
- Yelling at his hair to 'behave'
- Telling trees 'Look at this crowd!'

Here's Mike Johnson making a gang hand sign. His gang is called:
The Raging Assholes
The Vanilla Pudding Cups
The Male Concubines of Mar-a-Lago
The Little Rascals
Lindsey's Angels
The Bleeding Paper Cuts
The Pool Noodles
The Generic Antacids
The Mens Wearhouse Doomlords

Elise Stefanik claims to be a blue-collar underdog, despite private school and her parents buying her a DC townhouse when she was 26. As Elise explains, 'I'm poor inside'

Rules of Conduct at Mar-a-Lago:
- Protect the Botox brigade from termites
- Present one leg for DNA testing
- Rent fake Marine uniforms
- Use hair extensions to clean glassware
- Use self-tanner in Canyon Stucco shade
- Exploding lips and dental veneers are sold in the gift shop

When you ask AI to show you a spoiled, anti-abortion heiress wearing a Big Dumb Hat and a dress she borrowed from Kari Lake

The Moms for Liberty, the Mamas for DeSantis and the One Million Moms have combined their memberships and been renamed Two Moms, A Box of Wine And A Stone Cold Creamery Giftcard

Trump's last-ditch attempts to delay Monday's trial:
- He's pregnant
- He has to take Ivanka to school
- He wants to switch lawyers to Perry Mason
- Judge won't let him use Mike Johnson as a security animal
- The word 'GUILTY' keeps appearing in the makeup on his forehead

Trump announced that he's choosing a nickname for Mike Johnson. Either:
'L'il Mikey Sad Boy'
'Suckup McNugget'
'Expired Milk'
'Prissypants Peckerhead'
'Honey Bunches of AssKiss'
'Spitoon'
'Peaches the Sparkle Puppy'
'Wet Wipe'
'Lara's Friend Mr. Tinkles'
'Churchy O'Chipmunk'

This is:
- Ivanka trying to get into a movie theater as a child
- When they lose your luggage
- A Debbie Gibson impersonator in Utah
- When you tell the police your name is Melyssa Jo Burble and you didn't know the car was stolen
- Cultural appropriation bought at the mall

That moment when Lindsey Graham heard Mike Johnson was going to Mar-a-Lago and he wasn't invited. Without thinking Lindsey said, 'Land o' Goshen, when did I become Alan Dershowitz?'

'Which part of 'Total abortion ban with no exceptions' don't you understand? My name is Arizona Coney Barrett and I make the laws around here. So grab your little LGBTQ buddies and get the hell out of my country'

On Fox Jeanine Pirro said, 'Trump isn't afraid of anything!' Except:
- Jeanine's breath after 9 AM Happy Hour
- Jeanine answering the door in a towel
- Jeanine declaring 'There's no presidential immunity from cuddling!'
- Jeanine shrieking, 'I know you're in there!'

Mike Johnson's offered MTG an 'advisory role' in his cabinet. Her title will be:
- Holder of Mike's Tiny Balls
- Angry Lady Who Makes Mike Cry
- Bully Who Takes Mike's Lunch Money
- Mike's Putin
- Giver of Wedgies
- Spanker of Little Nothing Man Who Says, 'Thank You, Mistress'

Alan Dershowitz represented OJ, Jeffrey Epstein and Trump, but says, 'My dream clients would be Hitler, Jack the Ripper and Alan Dershowitz'

The Mar-a-Lago dog show: