u should send her $50 today she’s probably sad

Most medicines try to look futuristic but asthma inhalers are just permanently stuck in the 1970s. Incredible branding. I want to breathe easy and swing freely!

gossip girl is the perfect background show when ur home alone bc it’s like ok there are girls gossiping here. i’m safe

BUT BUT BUT I WAS TOLD GO WOKE GO BROKE

give a man a fish and he eats for a day, teach a man to fish and he will destroy the entire ocean’s ecosystem

This also applies to verbally abusive teachers 😎👍

my body is a machine that turns childhood trauma into banger tweets

Y'all really need to vote this year

Vegan Thee Stallion, is that anything.

Where was I when WWIII started?

*long drag on a cigarette*

Well I’ll tell you where I was. I was watching Tina Fey and Amy Poehler improv a film noir movie set at Applebees

There’s a puka shell necklace in my closet that talks to me like the Green Goblin mask.

Pebbles digs up the Necronomicon and unleashes unspeakable evil in Bedrock

Evil Fred
Evil Fred 2
Barney of Darkness

For the first time in history, the women’s NCAA basketball championship drew more viewers than the men’s. (1/4)

This except you have to fight the current MMA UFC champ in your weight class

Cannabis is a gateway drug for learning about gardening.

A man who carries a spoon is prepared for soup while the man with a spork is ready for anything. So it is written.

Obama had a working nuke deal

Trump, the idiot, pulled out and said he could get a better deal

He did NOTHING

As long as they can pick a mascot that’s not lame, or stolen, i support the NHL in Salt Lake.

Honestly we just need more athletes there drinkin’ and fuckin’

What’s a word you wish you could use more often?

Mine’s “espionage.”