Writing a name on the tag of a fancy gift bag is the ultimate flex #iykyk

The best part of dreading the holidays is the relief I feel when they’re over

You don’t get to stare at my tits AND be condescending. Pick your poison

People only say “this is your wheelhouse” when they want you to do their work

What happened to wearing hats?

My life ain’t getting no better,
My skin ain’t getting more smooth,
There’s a country song in here somewhere,
But I only sing the blues

I wish I loved anything as much as old men love doing the speed limit in the passing lane

Screaming isn’t enough. I need to reach inside myself and pull out everything that feels

“It ain’t murder if I bury you alive…” Get ‘er Ashley McBryde!!
open.spotify.com/track/7cokvE1f…

Dear FedEx: Mis-delivered packages still on porch. Your customer service is as awesome as your delivery skills. FedExHelp FedExForum

Dear FedEx. Please stop leaving packages on my porch that are not mine. Again. DM at your earliest convenience

It's like the old saying goes: When God closes a store, he opens a Spirit Halloween

The older I get the more everything is none of your damn business

He has the personality of a flaccid turnip

This
Oliver Anthony - I Want To Go Home youtu.be/J0ygJyL7Itk?si… via YouTube

Friday rocks 🤘🏼🤘🏼 open.spotify.com/track/6J17MkMm…

Just watched a grown-ass man dump a cup of coffee out onto the sidewalk. Pretty sure I’ll be forgiven for what happens next

Real women don’t want pumpkin spice, they want tattoos and rock n’ roll.

My boss told me to calm down, but I’m sure I’ll be acquitted