Growing up, Sesame Street taught me the importance of education, empathy, and kindness.

Bugs Bunny, on the other hand, taught me that revenge on my enemies should be quick, clever, and brutal.

The amount of mess you make while cooking is directly proportionate to how delicious the food is.

I rely on future me a little more than I should.

Just because you have matching appliances doesn't mean you are better than me. I mean you probably are but that's not a reasonable barometer

You know you’re old when you go to an event with an open bar and stop after 2 drinks..

'Meet me out back by the dumpster for the drugs'

-CVS pharmacy drive-thru

Most of my personal issues can be traced back to my parents forcing me to compete in child beauty pageants.

I stick post-it notes on the mirror to remind me of stuff like 'call the doctor,' 'pay the mortgage,' or 'What's holding you back from being the person you want to be?'

the guy at the pet shop warned me not to get him wet

Can I call in pants too tight and go home if I am already at work

I run in the door, crying. “They only wanted me for my tent and liberal arts education.”

I've never applied makeup while driving, but I have eaten an entire rotisserie chicken.

Boss is off today so that means I’ll be driving the forklift to the strip club at lunch

Me, as a map: [pushing trees up on to Bald Mountain, sucking in the Flabby Coast every time someone drives by] you are here

Get yourself a girl who prioritizes. My wife left her inhaler at home to make room in her purse for the m&ms we wanted to smuggle into the movie

Celine DiOn

*claps twice*

Celine DiOff

There are really only two seasons:

soup
salad

I went to an interview once and the guy asked me what I could “bring to the table” and I said potato chips

The category for this puzzle on Wheel of Fortune was Rhyme Time. I thought it was “Hanky-Panky.” It was “Handy-Dandy.”

Life is a simulation because I watched a lady get paused on the street yesterday.