Me: I hate drama.

Also me: Reads all 258 comments on a heated Facebook post thread that is 100 percent not my business.

My buddy wants to join Twitter because he’s tired of all the people fighting on Facebook, should I tell him.

worried about getting old? try a somersault. it’ll kill you, nothing to worry about anymore

eating your lunch in your car at work is the adult version of the high school bathroom stall.

Dog: I have to go outside.
Me: Okay.
Dog: I really really need to go outside.
Me: Okay okay I’m coming.
Dog: YOU NEED TO TAKE ME OUT NOW.
Me: OMG I’m right here let’s go.
Dog: Hold on I have to stretch for ten minutes.

My dog and I were just chased by a gang of wild turkeys and that’s about as close to a scene from The Walking Dead as I ever wanna get.

OJ Simpson just arrived down here wtf

I told him we have stairs and he said he likes stairs

-my kid, really selling this playdate to his friend

If I were to do a mad lib with my 3yo he would choose the word butthole to fill every blank

Sorry I’m late I had to drive to the reservoir to fill my daughter’s Stanley cup.

Do not, under any circumstances, attempt to rock someone like a wagon wheel.

Found one of my wife’s fake eyelashes on the floor and now I can do Frida Kahlo impressions.

While I was looking under the couch for my dog's ball, she rolled another one under it just to spite me.

I just told my kids where we keep our life insurance policies so I guess this is goodbye.

The French translation reads like what I said after my vasectomy when I had to put frozen peas on my crotch.

The kids want to go camping so tonight we’re watching “Deliverance.”

Just burned 1600 calories trying to avoid someone I knew at Walmart.