I can’t even afford to drive by a Dollar Store

I’m the hottest bitch at this nightclub and by nightclub, I mean dollar store

You bought a flea collar? What am I gonna do, walk them?

Take me as I am.... Or kiss my ass, eat shit and step on a lego!!!

I want to be like Batman. Not a superhero tho. Just rich.

I went to log onto porn this morning and found where my Twitters been hiding

Don't give them that false hope, it's a fucking dirty trick

My kid is practicing his ninja moves, but he’s doing them right on the front lawn where everyone can see, so he might need more training

More like Jeff Asbeztos

When people ask me why I’m wheelchair bound, I want to say “I took an oath on the blood of my ancestors that I would never walk again.”

The sexual tension between my long hair and the back of my neck. 🤏🏼

Boobs make everything better

Tits as simple as that

my constant search for a tree i can sit under that has not been peed on

But can you sneeze while maintaining your pee stream!

I dont think you people realize how hard it is to do sit-ups with big boobs.

Nobody has worn an adult diaper to drive across the country to confront a rival for my affections. What bullshit is this?

We're our parents' longest climax

My wife gave birth to three kids with muscle spasms and a splitting migraine and I spent the weekend sitting here complaining about a cramp in the back of my leg.

Anyways, how's your Monday going?

Every year on Mother’s Day, the elusive teenager will emerge. If they see chores, they will return to their room, only to come out again if they need to borrow your charging cable

A new lease on life sounds so overwhelming. How about if I just go month to month?