Fitness level: Sets reminders to stretch, doesn't do it

Server, taking our order: Will that be all?
My husband, to me : Do you want anything else?
Me: I think that's good unless you want something else?
Server: That's enough.

There’s nothing more Murphy's law than a sudden case of the shits an hour before you get your butthole waxed.

Self care: Summoning a demon while taking a relaxing bath in the blood and tears of your enemies.

If he texts you 'Sorry, fell asleep'... text back 'Oh, it's fine. I was busy digging your grave all night anyway.' Stay toxic, besties.

I'd love a 'Who to block' section on the Twitter page. Just some nice suggestions based on your previous blocking behaviour.

my amazon wishlist…or as i like to call it, “where my hyperfixations go to die”

Me: *Perfectly fine not eating all day*

Also me 5 mins into a fast for a medical procedure: *Instantly dies of hunger*

What I said: Please bring your laundry downstairs.

What my son heard: Please drop your laundry from the second floor down into the foyer as I stand at the front door talking to our neighbor so a dirty balled up sock can bounce off my head and into her face.

Happy being free from the Brits who now have more freedoms than you do

Back to work after two weeks off and my inbox is a colony of carpenter ants.

“Have you tried sleeping vertically about it?”, me, as a realtor.

Someone just said “I like it raw” so naturally I sang, “yeah baby, I like it raw” with a little gyrating action and now HR is emailing me again

What's your favourite food? Personally, I like to dispose of evidence using a wood chipper but yea, sushi is one of my fave foods.

Just wanna have more orgasms than mosquito bites

~pretty please

Sorry I'm late, but I was picking grapes off the vine for my kids

Everybody’s big on freedom until they find you passed out naked on their boat