Didn’t know I could offend someone by saying Dean Martin was better than Frank Sinatra, but here we are.

Boy is it

Maybe the Devil wears Fruit of the Loom.

You don't know.

I can literally tell by the type of reply you send me as to whether or not you're my kind of person.

It's as simple as that.

Marriage tip: If your wife says it’s ok for you to go out on a guys night while she stays with the kids, bring back something juicy for her to enjoy and feast on, like gossip.

The sun is shining today, after days of rainfall, so naturally I'm tearing down the ark I built.

This entire day could've been an email.

Hey. You’re funny. I like you. We should be friends and never hang out but send memes

I don’t need google I have a wife.

Negative one word replies tell the rest of us you’re opinionated, but lack the knowledge to support said opinion intelligently.

Hey lady where’s the PB

girls be casually asking you questions. like they haven’t already drawn up your natal chart and studied your whole life path and compatibility

I smell bacon

The wind turned my hairstyle into a tribute to Cousin It. I might as well audition for the role in the Addams Family reboot.

Karen at KFC… or Whiner, whiner, chicken diner.

Pee my name in cursive into a dirty snowbank outside my favourite Tim Hortons
or gtfo

I love how the circular photos of my colon look like shiny, new agate marbles.

Friday should be spelled 'Vodka'

i may not write poetry, but i sure can make a heart while peeing on quick sand on your favourite beach.

Sorry can’t. I’m out and about.