With warm weather finally here we can all look forward to gross feet in sandals season

What's being in my forties like? I injured my back while sleeping.

The world's not coming to an end it's just intermission

I get it cicadas I’m ready to scream for six weeks too

Adult hide and seek game... except you just wish them luck and don't go and find them

who up rootin and tootin

Make jokes about life being a joke funny again.

I tweet for those who had to pay for text messages

Go out and make it a great day.

Trying? Nobody's got time for that.

According to my calculations, it’s time for a nap

You can call me your crispy little hash brown if you wanna

I want vengeance, but I will totally settle for a few moments of total & absolute silence.

nothing wakes me up quicker than a dog about to barf.

My toxic trait is putting my black phone down on a black surface for 'just a second'

It's never too late for an apology.

WebMD says I'm in good shape.

I don’t need google I have a wife.

You're 40. At least put a small curve in the bill of your hat.

Keeping it real, but only vaguely.