Pizza Roll microwave directions:
When you burn your mouth on one from the edge,
immediately apply ice by eating one from the middle.

The key to living a long and prosperous life, is to never open a package and call it “food”

I'm not socially awkward or socially distant. I'm socially experienced!

No one:

Me: I bet Chewbacca just shits where he stands.

This cop is apparently too good to play thumb wars while taking your prints. Whatever, bro.

If you can’t handle me at my worst you don’t deserve to see me at Walmart.

Spirit Airlines jets are the equivalent of having a $500 car that flies

I'm gonna talk about myself in the third person. Because the second person sucked and the first person, I wasn't that into.

You can’t hurt me, you’re not an Abba song.

Gin and tonic is weird, sometimes I need a lime wedge and sometimes I need to tell everyone what’s on my mind and then pass out.

Pretty convinced that my left eyebrow and my right eyebrow belong to two different people with very different lifestyles.

Current Mood: Hiding in my office at work wishing my desk was made of chocolate.

Will you just shut up, you’re verbally raping me with all that talking

I’m still upset that National Leave Your Kids at Work Day never caught on.

Twitter's obsession with buttholes makes me think you're all secretly cats

Hear me out, vanilla ice cream with fruity pebbles mixed in.