Given the current state of this planet I have decided that I will not be having any children. my mothering instincts will strictly be for the animal kingdom only.

remember kids, no matter how famous or important you become, you will never be too important to be a butt of a joke on South Park episode

Audiobooks make mundane tasks fun like yeah i’ll wash my dishes while this girl gets brutally m*rdered

I give adoption papers to “Pro-Lifers” blocking Planned Parenthood.

Recycle, bitches

Imagine if every snail owned a little skateboard.

Before the next catastrophe hits it would be nice if we get a heads up so we can all go potty first.

magazines but instead of perfume scents it’s the butter on the inside of a bag of popcorn

hey there delilah could you loan me a significant sum of money

american bulldog: bark

english bulldog: bark innit

christian men love reading books titled shit like 'the fat steaming cock of christ'

Crockpot sounds like a british insult “you lot are a gobsmacking crockpot” there’s no coming back from that

Inventing work was the worst idea ever like “why don’t you wake up super early and be with people you hate for 40 years??”

#WorldAnimalDay .

'Animals are not here for us to do as we please with. We are not their superiors. We are their equals. We are their family. be kind to them' ~ @RickyGervais. 🙏

Please support our work helping animal charities by donating ANY amount at donorbox.org/protect_all_wi…🐾

Kid Rock makes music for people who know exactly how much Sudafed they can get with a stolen catalytic converter.

me: *asks my dog who’s a good girl*

my dog: omg why are you so obsessed with me

Honor the ballsack

my dog is experiencing her first existential crisis after i finally explain that not every person she sees on a walk wants to pet her

My phone has the audacity to tell me I didn’t move at all today when it is exactly the reason why I didn’t

Cards Against Humanity is donating 100% of their profits to the National Network of Abortion Funds if the order comes from a state restricting abortion access.

If someone selects “I didn’t agree to this” an additional $5 donation is added to their cart. 😂