Got kicked out of the rap battle for curtsying too much

At least twice a week I grow jealous of trees, which just stand there eating light while I must forage for burritos and rice bowls.

i'm tired of the phrase 'too bad' so from now on I'm saying 'that's cactuses' and if you don't like it well that's cactuses

Tai Chi is so crazy because it’s like throwing a slow motion tantrum.

you wouldn’t know my goth girlfriend, she does her rituals at a different graveyard

Who called it asking the waiter about the specials and not retrieving data from the server

'Hey, you guys dare me to eat this whole party sub by myself?'
I ask the dolls that line my bedroom shelves

Me and my buddies started a motorcycle gang tonight we call ourselves The Best Pals Forever

We pronounce it Goethe around here

Got banned for life from McDonald's for asking the cashier if the Filet-O-Fish was made of Mc-Erel

Is it ‘My wife and I’ or ‘Me and my wife’? Anyway, we just robbed a liquor store

Pull the last trash bag from the box. Then put the box in the bag. You’ve created a “wormhole,” a plot device favored by science fiction.

a true jury of my peers would know how to get out of jury duty.

It was the gaba of times, it was the gool of times

[Responding to a text I got 4 months ago]:

Yeah sure what time

Therapist: you've finally learned to stand up to people, well done

Me: thank you

Therapist: now you need to pay my bill

Me: no

reverse psychology is when you make your therapist insane

Maps used to say cool stuff like “Here Be Dragons.” Now they just say bullshit like “Portugal.”