me: beyonce is cooler than taylor swift cause she helped out austin powers

my conscience: ivan while that is a funny “ironic” tweet you are still defining a celebrated accomplished woman by her relationship to a man

Not sure about this

u ever tar and feather a guy and realize ur out of feathers so u just give it to him straight and say listen buddy. gonna be mostly tar today

My allergist keeps testing me trying to get a reaction

“Sorry, my eyes are bigger than my brain” - Ostrich

Got mad at the artist who painted my portrait and that’s not like me

Happy Earth Day, if you breathed today- thank a tree

The Earth is the best planet in the world

Happy #EarthDay2024

Homeostasis boring af

[Scrooge opens window]
'YOU THERE, Boy! What day is it?'

Boy:

Punk isn’t about how you dress. It’s about smelling terrible.

omg I was just reading the News and everything is ridonkulous!

Did a Fool write this?

Bibimbap? You mean the band Hanson?

[Barges into Tai Chi class]
“Hey what’s all the calm motion?!”

My tennis coach says I have a bad serve but who’s fault is that

I graduated years ago, please stop with all these assignments for me to understand

You must be delusional if you work for an airline because …delusional the luggage!