“I wrote this poem for you, Mister Putin, to inspire peace and... he’s not listening. He’s leaving the room... and now I can see him heading out of the building through the window... and he just shot a guy.”

GUY: “never give up! I didn’t break through in my industry until I was 56.”

ME: “oh cool. What do you do?”

GUY: “light heavyweight boxer”

Every Aaron Sorkin movie is like:

“1 brilliant Aaron Sorkin teams up with 4 other Aaron Sorkins to outwit a rival Aaron Sorkin and win the love of another, slightly more timid Aaron Sorkin”

Well, marijuana is now legal in New York.

So I guess that means New Yorkers can finally start smoking marijuana.

Is the goldfish sushi image meant to look like Donald Trump or have the last 4 years just permanently damaged my brain?

Biden Assistant: “we were upset to discover that Trump put bugs all over the Oval Office... and, let me be clear - by bugs: I mean millipedes. Thousands of millipedes. Which, I guess, equals one trillipede”

How could we have known this would happen when all they’ve been saying is that they were going to do this

Half of Twitter: “the whole world is on fire!”

Other half of Twitter: “Hey - whatever happened to mambos number 1 through 4?”

1:06 PM - Search: “Nevada”

1:07 PM - Search: “Pennsylvania”

1:08 PM - Search: “Georgia”

1:09 PM - Search: “Nevada”

1:10 PM - Search: “Pennsylvania”

1:11 PM - Search: “Georgia”

1:12 PM - Search: “Nevada”

1:13 PM - Search: “Pennsylvania”

1:14 PM - Search: “Georgia”

1:15 PM

All right, everybody - take a DEEP breath ...

...and just hold it until you pass out

The year is 2120, the nation still has a two party system, but it is now divided into “states that are on fire” versus “states that are underwater”.

BIDEN: I’m a centrist

TRUMP: I will set you on fire for fun

TWITTER: I don’t know - they’re both the same.

Yes, Biden is prone to gaffs, but I will take bumbling over cruel 100% of the time. After 4 years of this, I’m fine with the gaffs. I want the news in 2021 to be like “President Biden went to a summit on climate change today and tried to open an iPad by shaking it”

I don’t know, guys - I’m starting to think maybe the president is an asshole?

As always, we encourage our passengers to take their shoes off and put their feet on everything

What could possibly go wrong?

God damn it - if I click this and it turns out he’s not really dead I’m gonna be furious

Sarah Palin: “climb upon my shoulders...”

Comedy Writers: it’s like this isn’t even fun anymore

Excited to offer new flights to Mars with only two layovers in Phoenix and Atlanta!