Back in my day we didn't need Metacritic or Rotten Tomatoes to tell us if a movie was going to be a smash hit..

We had Porn movies with slightly dirtier names

Fans of Fallout game

Call 213 25 VAULT

It's important 😉

It's Adam and Eve,
not Adam OR Eve

Clearly we are all meant to be Bisexual

I don't know ow who needs to hear this, but the best form of Self Care is to take a book and go to a Chinese Buffet alone, on a Tuesday afternoon.

Just stopped by to tell you that Nebraska lawmakers want to abolish our Split Electoral College voting system.
Why?
Because the 'big 3' cities vote Blue and they don't like 1 or 2 out of 3 votes being Blue.
Oh, and Elected Officals will say that your face

If I'm out driving during heavy traffic or rush hour, I will wave anybody to go ahead of me.

Is it because I'm nice?
Hell No.
I do it because I know it will piss off somebody behind me, and if I ruin someone's day with an act of kindness that a double win

These Eclipse conspiracies are brought to you courtesy of everyone that voted for someone that literally pointed at the fucking sun..

I think I'll take a walk in a field with Dolores Claiborne during the eclipse

This tape doesn't even taste like Scotch

Oh HI, I didn't expect to see you here!

Listen, if you're scrolling then you have nothing to do, so go do something fun, like this-

Go to Google, type in Florida Man and then your birthday
(Florida Man Feb 16)
I guarantee you won't regret it 😊😘

People out here using emojis like 🌱 🌿 💨 to be all incognito about how they love the weed reminds me of when we would be using stupid passwords on the phone, like we really thought the FBI was listening to Kevin's land-line in his dorm room..

What age is a good age to become a crazy cat lady..
Is it 48?

I feel like it's 48

Picking up this tiny piece of paper would take 2 seconds, but I'm gonna run over it 50 times with the vacuum at 6 different angles

Gen X-

As young as we've ever been

As old as we're gonna get

The great thing about starting a new job is that all 4 of your Grandparents are alive all over again..

[Me at Work]

Me- Hey, can I leave early today?

Boss- Why do you have to leave early?

Me- I'm just not having a very good time

Saw a video where this woman says that sitting cross legged is a sign of Autism

Now, I'm no Medical Doctor but I'm pretty sure that when my Kindergarten teacher taught me Criss-Cross applesauce she didn't give me Autism..

If I go to jail my 1 phone call is gonna have to be to J.G.Wentworth cuz that's the only damn number I actually remember

Nobody is spontaneously exploding anymore, what's up with that?