“The time will pass anyway” sticks with me

I’ve done the math, and if The NY Times can come up with three more daily games, I’ll never have to think about anything ever again.

I know everyone wants to make jokes about OJ Simpson rn but please have consider some respect for his family and children, especially bart and lisa

No one warned me about the secret boss level of parenting in which you have to parent your own parents

The Devil welcoming OJ Simpson to hell:

If they don’t do this for OJ’s procession to the funeral home that’s a missed opportunity

Yesterday, I heard someone say they had a colleague nicknamed “Photo Finish” because they always leant slightly forward while walking.

What’s the best nickname you’ve ever heard?

I need to watch a movie with a plot twist that’ll have me in disbelief for days

(5 minutes into survival situation) we should turn on each other

looking for a job . $3,500 an hour , monday - wednesday , 10:00 AM - 12:00 PM

I strive to have as many fucks to give as a goose that makes it’s nest in the middle of an asphalt parking lot…cuz fuck you that’s why

Not missing my flight.

Everything is peer-reviewed if your spouse is judgmental enough

my problem is that if i put things away in cupboards i forget they exist but if i keep things out on display i get overwhelmed by clutter

Met a guy who said he worked for Deloitte, just moved back from Istanbul office, so, naturally, I barked ‘Turkish Deloitte!’ Nothing. I said: ‘you probably get that a lot’ and he just said not really. Beginning to worry I’m not good at small talk.

moms were so right about so many things. a baked potato being a nice lunch. not staying out too late on a weeknight. refusing to buy lunchables. thinking video games are insanely bad for you. shout out moms, vindicated on all counts

Mercury must be in astroglide again

“Sweet ride, bro.”
“Thanks, pops.”

[Assembling scratching post to save the new sofa]

My cat: lol no

Taking yesterday’s bad mood on a multi-day tour