“She’s seeing this guy, Art Vandelay.”

“What does he do?”

“He’s an importer exporter.”

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100% cotton sweet bastard detectors.

“Hey, man, is that …”

“You’re goddamn right it is.”

Be that fucking guy.

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If you know, you know …

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“Pssssst. What does a yellow light mean?”

“Slow down.”

“Ok. What ... does ... a ... yellow ... light ... mean?”

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The greatest babysitter ever? I say yes. You may not agree with his methods but you can’t argue with his results. And I happen to approve of his methods too.

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“Should I get in the hot tub?”

“Yeah!”

“Will it make me sweat?”

“Yeah!”

“Should I get in the hot tub?”

“Yeah!”

“Will it make me wet?”

“Yeah!”

“Well … well … well …”

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Whooo could it be? Believe it or not it’s just this sweet bastard …

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Looks like you picked the wrong day to be a Russian soldier in Colorado, motherfucker …

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“Fat, drunk, and stupid is no way to go through life, son.”

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One of the most important questions that males of my generation were forced to confront. My position has been clear since 1978.

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The official car of “We’ve got a long way to go and a short time to get there.”

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Carved his bat out of a tree downed by lightning as a child, then showed up in the majors as a 48-year-old rookie and just started launching bombs with that fucker. The GOAT.

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“Mr. Spicoli has been kind enough to bring us a snack. Be my guest. Help yourselves. Get a good one.”

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Everyone loves the Dream Team but I’m here to tell you nobody wanted a piece of us in 1984 either …

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“I'm here from downtown. I'm here from Mitch and Murray. And I'm here on a mission of mercy.”

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“One time Frank Sinatra came in here and sat in this chair. I said 'Frank, you hang out with Joe Louis, just between me and you, how old is Joe Louis?' You know what Frank told me? He said 'Hey, Joe Louis is 137 years old.' 137 years old!'

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Life expectancy: two minutes.

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People ask me what my personal favorite shirts are in the store, and I have a bunch of them, but this right here is my sleeper pick. I hardly ever feature it but it’s a banger.

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Marvin Gaye’s about to inform Jesse Jackson this weak shit’s going to get rejected. That’s what’s going on.

Most successful home science project ever.