fast-forwarding through the ads was the best system and we fucked up. we fucked up bad

sorry i made the mistake of wearing a band t-shirt without knowing their entire discography.

When Shrek gets angry, it’s often just an Ogreaction

“treat culture has gotten out of hand” sounds like someone doesn’t get enough treats

i smell a pulitzer

I have my doubts about the financial advisor my friend recommended to me. I asked him what type of investments he prefers and he said, 'Tic Tacs because the little box fits in the small pocket in my vest just right'.

Just imagine how much money coat manufacturers made during the Cold War.

“i’ve been thinking about how i let you down when i could have taken you higher instead. always asking myself what if i had made my sacrifice to keep you in my arms wide open. losing you put me in my own prison. without you, what’s this life for?…you don’t have to respond”

My issue with Jeopardy is that you never get the sense that the contestants are in any real danger

I never understood why kids would watch other kids play games online until I, a corporate woman, now watches TikTok’s of of other corporate women doing their job, while I should be doing mine

(at movie theater box office)

Gen X: What’s it rated?

Millennial: How long is it?

Gen Z: what is the vibe

I just ate $35 worth of Taco Bell before entering this escape room. We’re getting out one way or another.

No thanks IPhone, I would not like to turn down my music to protect my hearing

unhand my buccal fat, you uncultured swine

twisted sister: i wanna rock

me: but it’s my pet rock

People with business cards can't wait to give you their business card

if you tell me to watch until the end, the end better be in five seconds

[at 3 AM]

NASA: [finally falls alseep]

Voyager 1: [texting] wyd

Emails be like unsubscribe here and then they send you an email to tell you you’ve unsubscribed.

Too bad mosquitos are not into human fat the way they are into human blood