[filling in my friend who’s never heard of OJ Simpson]

him: wow! how can you be that good at football AND in the Naked Gun movies??

me: ok well don’t—let’s not get too excited yet

I’m in shock. We just had lunch and he was in good spirits. Smiling. Telling me how he just discovered where the Clinton’s were in June of ‘94 and how it would “change everything”.

This is so embarrassing. Why are we even trying to get to this planet?

im not getting paid enough for this 💀

The size of the gates in Jurassic Park suggests they were always planning on letting the dinosaurs out.

There’s a parallel universe where people age non-linearly, and every day you have no idea how old you’ll wake up. So sometimes you’d have to call into work like, “Sorry, can’t make it in today, I’m 7.”

waiter: ugh, that awful group is back

jesus: hi! just 13 waters, please

NYC wants to be LA so bad 😭

i am going to save this company

me: welcome back! I’m so glad you get to see this, this is your day!

[a giant rabbit walks by and hands a colorful egg to a child covered in chocolate]

jesus:

me:

jesus: so the rabbit monster is celebrating…

me: how we failed to murder you, yes

Reasons why I’m single

what if Jesus is trying to return but it’s like a sci-fi movie where the teleports link up wrong so he just keeps getting trapped in pieces of toast?

Stop mocking these men online! Apparently they’ll pay $18,000 for it and you’re doing it for free!

I would have bet twice that that this was 2 dudes in a cow costume.

I’m doing a March Madness bracket for the first time and there’s a guy who takes it really seriously that asked how I made my picks and I told him “I ranked them by prettiest font” and that’s the most disappointed a man has ever looked at me.

March Madness babyyyyy (Mr Basketball is back)