I have to find a new yoga studio. Apparently “Welcome Bitches” on your yoga mat isn’t very zen. It may also have been my doormat.

Sweatpants ✅
Headband ✅
Wristbands ✅
Jockstrap ✅

“Welcome to Olive Garden’s all you can eat pasta night.”

I wish I could just drop my teeth off at the dentist and pick them up when they’re ready

Is Chucky really that scary? I mean, come on. After the initial scare, how hard is it to just kick a doll?

“There’s no wrong way to eat a Reese’s” I whisper as you open the carefully resealed package and remove your chocolate and anchovy paste surprise

if you can’t handle me at my hootin, you don’t deserve me at my hollerin.

Now I don’t have to lie when I say I’m going to the gym.

12 hours into the appendectomy the surgeon sobbed as he pulled the 75th appendix out of the clown. There was no end in sight.

I never joined the submarine service, but I sure as hell have been helping keep Jersey Mike’s afloat lately

Kids in the bathtub be like

That jingle in my pocket is just antihistamines and skittles

My blood type is cream cheese.

Them as a stripper: I just got a $500 tip!
Me as a stripper: Hold up. You get tips?!

I’ve seen enough Lifetime movies to know the evil twin is always the one with more makeup.

My daughter mad at me because I wasn't going to let her eat a stick of butter for breakfast. She acted like I was saving it just for me

me: [on phone] I need a doctor's appointment

receptionist: it’s going to be at least a month

me: ok I’ll hold

To all of you who hate terrible puns I just want to say, fork you!

A barrage of paparazzi with flashing cameras, yelling my name, except it's just my neighbors saying good morning when I'm walking the puppy in my pajamas

Them: ugh could you be more annoying
Me: oh my yes

i smell a pulitzer