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Tim Vine quotes

@Timvinequotes

Follow for a daily quote, pun or joke from the star of 'Not going out' and stand up comedian, Tim Vine. Velcro: what a rip-off.

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calendar_today24-12-2012 14:36:07

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So I said to the gym instructor: 'Can you teach me to do the splits?' He said: 'How flexible are you?' I said: I can't make Tuesdays.'

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So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me 'Can you give me a lift?' 'Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it

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I phoned the local gym & I asked if they could teach me how to do the splits. He said, How flexible are you? I said, I can't make Tuesdays.

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Do you ever get that when you're half way through eating a horse and you think to yourself, 'I'm not as hungry as I thought I was'

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