At this point in life I only buy running shoes ironically.

Look, at the beginning of vacation you wear a cute form-fitting dress. The end of the trip you wear a tarp from Home Depot. Please don't make me explain.

We all need something to look forward to, which is why I order things online.

I bought myself some flowers but I'm still not putting out.

The only thing I miss about a desk job is having somewhere to rest my tits.

My mom as mom.: You get what you get now deal with it
My mom as a grandma:.Would you like your grilled cheese cut into stars or hearts

If i like you; you are certainly a red flag

If I dig a hole for you the least you could do is get in it.

When I decide I don't like someone, I just go with it. I trust my judgment.

Might go soak in the tub until I'm skinny.

Lunch is just breakfast for people with poor time management.

Husband: What’s for breakfast?
Me: Ibuprofen and water.

Just blocked everyone who is not in my gang so if you're reading this, we're robbing a bank in 12 minutes

Murderer: Your days are numbered, bitch.
Me: Yeah, that's called a calendar, dummy.

My mind wants peace.
My body wants relief.
My soul wants guidance.
I need to get them all together.

Really starting to miss the days where I thought I knew what I was doing.

It smells like weed in here

There's literally nothing stopping you from having a parade all by yourself.

3:00 is the witching hour so of course I'm awake.

I trash talk myself so others don’t have to. I’m nice like that