Imagine being so petty that you purposely ruin the app for anyone who doesn't buy a stupid blue tick. What a manbaby.

Rate limit exceeded? More like irate limit exceeded amirite *holds hand up for the highest of fives

reverse cowgirl so we can both

𝗥𝗮𝘁𝗲 𝗹𝗶𝗺𝗶𝘁 𝗲𝘅𝗰𝗲𝗲𝗱𝗲𝗱

so I guess I’m down to just the Google newsfeed and shipping notices from Amazon

*obligatory twitter dot com down tweet*

Slipknit

Goths, when the weather gets nice.

Welcome to Canada.

WELL, I GUESS WE JUST HAVE DIFFERENT IDEAS OF WHAT FORMAL WEAR MEANS, MARTHA!!!

Them: Oh you’ll love her, she lights up a room

(later)

Me: Hi it’s really nice to meet you

Her: (holding a gas can and matches) Run

Me: I’m gonna go lay down for 20 minutes.

My kids: You know what sounds good right now? HAMMERS!

The great thing about playing the harmonica is no one knows if you're good at it or not.

Before telling your husband you’re talking to Jake from State Farm, make sure State Farm is your insurance carrier.

questions my cat can't answer -

why are you a tiny demonic sociopath

why are you such a smushy mushy little baby face cutie pie

therapist: I'm not saying this friend is 'imaginary' but you need to try and -

me: he says you're a bitch

therapist: 😡

Pickleball was invented so virgins could have their own sport.

got to respect the grind of youtube Patreon-request reaction channels for finding a way to monetize 'guy who REALLY wants you to hear 'Roundabout' by Yes'