The Untastic Mr. Fitz (@UnFitz )

The Untastic Mr. Fitz

Bio Fugitive warlord. Disgraced intern. Unindicted co-conspirator. (18+ only, please)
Location The Old Normal
Tweets 205,9K
Followers 31,3K
Following 6,2K
Account created 11-04-2011 00:32:58
ID 280266897

iPhone : Wow, what amazing teeth! May I have a closer look?

~ Red Riding Hood, seconds before realising that forgetting to wear her spectacles wasn’t the only mistake she’d make that day.

iPhone : Her: We need more testing, don’t you agree?

Me: *flashing back to that nightmare of being in school, failing a test while in my underwear*
Umm...

iPhone : My son Kevlar’s birthday party will not be socially distanced, everyone will be armed and the cake will be made of napalm. Masks discouraged. If you don’t like it you can kiss my freedom

iPhone : Why do women of a certain age get attracted to beards all the sudden? And does this only happen to humans - like are there a bunch of cougar lizards out there trolling for bearded dragons?

Twitter for iPad : I named my third child Pi, because having that many kids seemed irrational.

Twitter for iPad : Was watching The Neverending Story with my 10 year old daughter and she cried her eyes out because Falkor isn’t real and I’ve never identified with her more.

Twitter for iPad : Laundry: my never-ending story... minus the fun, giant flying dog thing