Some of my favorite tweets just read “this post contains a word you muted.”

I read that Gandhi spent over a month crossing the Alps barefoot, worn out, and surviving only on garlic.

I guess he ended his journey a super-calloused fragile mystic, extra halitosis.

This may be superfluous but April 21st is Big Word Day. I myself am not much of a confabulator.

Help or don’t help, just don’t make it worse.

Seems pretty simple right?

Why did they call it the back of the plane and not the derriair?

Just noticed a bug dead in my coffee and I thought wow what a way to go!

I hate it when world peace doesn't happen

Has anyone else turned on the wrong burner and cooked nothing for 25 minutes?

You know what? I’m just going to eat this entire bag of chips and get it over with.

There is no comparison, none.

Sex is great but how do you feel about good weather

The Bahamas has a $3 bill. Follow me for more useless trivia.

They don't make muscle cars like they used to.

Twitter is NO place for sarcasm.

With the price of eggs, I now consider McDonald's breakfast sandwiches fine dining.

I don't watch the news because I don't want my dog to see all the evil in the world.

You're doing a 30 day cleanse? How dirty are you?

Don't underestimate the power of laughter

It can keep some of us from breaking

Can’t tell whether it’s hailing outside or my coworker is eating kettle chips again.