Doris didn't care if this really was the hottest fashion trend in Paris, she thought the hat looked silly.

Took my meds without looking at them to add a little intrigue to the day

“What news do you bring me from over the mountains, my little friend?”

“There is a great storm coming, you should find shelter soon. Also, I saw hunters camped in the valley.”

“Anything else?”

“Your mother wants to know if you’re eating enough. She says she worries about you.”

Sometimes I like to mess with my husband and text things like “I’m leaving y…” And an hour later text “your computer on the table”

As I get older, what I consider lunchtime gets earlier and earlier.

Embarrassed that our five year old walked into the bedroom at 2am and saw us pulling the blanket to hide our phones and cheese sticks

Ben Affleck: Can I see the zoo you bought?

Matt Damon: For the hundredth time, I didn’t buy a zoo. That was just a movie.

Ben Affleck: You’re mean.

I took a gamble in the dark and either made black tea or I’m drinking a cup of grandpa.

Haters will see you playing hot potato and say you’re against holding things.

OJ Simpson has died.

In unrelated news the killer of Nicole Brown Simpson and Ron Goldman has died.

Might get wild and laminate some things tonight

How many chapsticks can you eat in a week

If my death is so brutal it changed domestic violence laws permanently-do not call my batterer a 'football star'.

O.J. Simpson tragically died without completing his quest to find Nicole's real killer.

I will continue that quest for him.

All done.

O.J. did it.

Them: I'm having vegan for lunch.

Hannibal Lecter: What a coincidence.

We all need something to look forward to, which is why I order things online.

lunch time or what i like to call sitting in my car and listening to true crime for thirty minutes.

You ever wonder what you look like through someone else’s eyes? For me I hope it’s a Sausage Egg McMuffin

I'm just saying life is better when you fully utilize all the lemons life has to offer.

'I really like listening to books on tape while I drive'

My coworker who just realized I'm old: 'You mean audiobooks'