“You tell Marcy that she can ask someone else to bring snacks to book club next time if it’s going to take three weeks for me to get my dish back.”

A sure-fire way to tell an alligator from a crocodile is to wait for it to leave & listen if its friends say “See ya later” or “After while”.

Me: Maybe AI can do my job, but it will never be able to do it with my unique personality and sense of humor.

AI: Are you guys working hard, or hardly working? Whoa, I must have missed the memo about this being blue shirt day.

Me: Oh crap.

I came to bed last night and saw that my son gave me turn down service, but instead of mints on the pillow, he left me a stuffed wolf to sleep with

You can't satisfy me in bed,
you're not 7 pillows.

People with business cards can't wait to give you their business card

“Have you tried sleeping?”

-Me, as a therapist.

In an alternate universe, the Tooth Fairy shoves extra teeth in your mouth if you don't leave her money under your pillow.

Me: “I peed three times last night”

Her: “Don’t you hate getting up and going to the bathroom?”

Me: “Getting up?”

“Please Claudette, let me come home. I promise I’ll try to be more supportive.”

Who you are when your check engine light comes on is the real you

Derelict would make a beautiful name for a baby boy.

Called in, 'What's our policy on face tattoos?'

A nice little coma feels really appealing right now

I just want the confidence of a nose-blower who doesn’t check in the mirror afterward.

Do you like being a truck?

Three words no parent ever wants to hear when dropping their kid at a play date: “Come on in.”

You wouldn’t last an hour in the asylum where they raised me

Sorry I’m late I was avoiding someone I know at the grocery store.

i think beyonce might get her fashion inspiration from betty white: thread