Wheels falling off wasn't a huge deal - everyone lived.

Landing gear collapsing - again, we're good on the no fatalities thing Scott.

The gorilla complaint we've escalated to Customer Service, and should have feedback for you in the next 4-7 weeks. Thank you for flying United

We're back, bitches! Hang on, turbulence ahead!!

We place crews that misbehave in time-out so they can calm down. In this case, a stewardess hit a passenger with a plastic spoon.

Sadly, Z has succumbed to irritable bowel syndrome. May he rest in peace.

This did not age well. #Omicron

Wait until we tell you what kind of fluid 😱😱

We’re super flexible with the whole name and ID thing, so anything close should be fine.

Touching down ‘there’ at your vacation destination.

We are sending Wayne a free subscription to Spotify. Try the Eagles’ early albums, they are great.

Have you tried their Twitter account?

Shrinkage?

But good for preventing dead people.

The Virgin Islands. Wait, is that creepy or spooky?

Cate, you left your OnlyFans account open on this iPad!!

Attention Southwest Airlines Pilots:

We encourage you to apply for a job at United so that we can also fire you.

This is how we get rid of our low IQ employees.

Southwest pulls that crap all the time. You’re welcome, Melissa.

$UAL stock gonna plunge tomorrow.

Bags fly free on the tar mat!

It’s probably booked. Just show up the day of your flight and you should be fine.