Oh look, a candle to help with communication issues for Valentine’s, swoon

I hope this email finds you looking kinda dumb with your finger and your thumb in the shape of an L on your forehead.

That can’t be right
- me, looking in the mirror every morning

One time, I stopped eating pizza when I was full.

Protect her heart, slap her ass, share your fries.

Women get accused of overreacting, but have you ever hurt a man's feelings, and then had to live with the aftermath?

Nobody should be surprised that the older millennial humans being cheated on can do deep dives that will blow minds and marriages. We were the generation that pivoted from following endless encyclopedia rabbit holes into the vast transition of the Inter-webs

Where was all this fabulously trashy Queen Elizabeth content BEFORE she died

road tripping with my 13 year old and he asked me what’s Hooters and I panicked and told him it’s a scholarship program

Every night I enjoy playing a fun game called, was that just a leg cramp or a fatal blood clot

Do people who own treadmills know they can walk outside for free?

Mood - avoiding getting my nails done because manicure has the word 'man' in it.

The list of people waiting for you to fail is way longer than the list of those wanting you to succeed.
The first list of people can fuck all the way off.

I see now that people are hating on masks and vaccines no one is making fun of gluten free anymore

My 4yo wants a younger sibling. I keep telling her no. 4 kids is enough. She keeps trying to convince me. Today she said, 'you can make this one an outside baby.' Like, the baby only lives outside. She's getting really good at this. I can maybe go for an outside baby, maybe.

This whole “back in the office” thing is putting a major damper on my day drinking regimen.

I’m Mom. You might remember me from such hits as “Everyone in the Car” and its sequel “What Do You Mean You Forgot to Wear Shoes.”

Apologize for your mistakes, not your feelings.

*brags about never joining a pyramid scheme*