I'm a bitch.
I'm a lover.
I'm a child.
I'm a mother.
I'm a sinner.
I'm a saint.
I do not feel ashamed.
I'm your hell.
I'm your dream.
I'm nothing in between.
You know you wouldn't want it any other way.

The Thanksgiving I was 37, I was dating a 45 year old guy, and my sister (who was 33) was dating the 25 year old son of the guy I was dating.

Partway through Thanksgiving dinner, my dad got up, went outside, and mowed my sister's yard to calm himself down.

I just learned that Fruity Pebbles are flavored rice cereal which means hot Fruity Pebbles are fried rice.

I just learned that Fruity Pebbles are flavored rice cereal which means hot Fruity Pebbles are fried rice.

Does anyone want to get high and build birdhouses with me?

Look, people used to give their infants heroin. You can probably give your eight-year-old a melatonin gummy.

trying to sound more sinister in normal conversation. i just invited my friend out for a drink tonight but i did it by saying “do u wanna meet me for a simple drink at a regular bar no strings attached nothing weird”

It's a beautiful day to argue with strangers on the internet.

Walking up to this restaurant like NOPE.

The chokehold of fear Pennywise and Stephen King have me in nearly 40 years later is real.

When your hypothetical cat poops both inside and outside the litterbox: Schrödinger's scat.

Why are your toes so many random different lengths? Feet looking like a bar chart.

Elon has completely fucked this place up.

Happy sink full of mayonnaise

Accidentally Lunch Drunk

~ a memoir

They're absolutely roasting Elon over on BlueSky.

It's okay to go through a yellow light if you have to go number two really bad.

Google maps randomly in the middle of trip: