[2019]

Me: [Sting voice] message in a butthole

*viral*

friend: how’s the diet going?
me who just ate my lunch at 9:40am: good

Deodorant is wild to me. 'Here rub this goo into your armpits and you won't smell like onions later.' Sir if this was the olden days you'd be convicted of witchcraft without a trial.

Partner 1: I'm breaking up with you.

Partner 2, a famously melancholy singer-songwriter who hasn't released an album in a few years because things have been going well for once: oh hell yeah

Every time I think I know all of the my little pony characters my daughter brings a new one home and she’s like daddy this is cake bastard

costumes are wasted on halloween. i wanna sit down for christmas dinner dressed like a giant bug.

sorry i’m late i had to help my friend shovel coal into his android phone

My BBC (bossy boomer coworker) saw me using keyboard shortcuts and when she noticed I had copy pasted instead of saying oh neat what a time saver she told me it was against company policy lmao help

Confession time: all of my tweets are actually written by a chinchilla named Thurman

April fools shouldn't get their own day imo

Fucked up today by telling a bunch of elaborate lies and claiming April Fools to no avail

My life is really really good haha April fools

Guess who's back
Back again
Greenhorn's back
April fools

A fun April Fools prank is to sneak into your enemy's bedroom and replace their spouse with a severed horse's head

Happy Easter! He is Rizzo!

(burglar breaks into my house)

me: Reginald, kill!

pet caterpillar: *scooch scooch scooch*

The don't politicize mass shootings crowd working the early shift today

saying uppies to the paramedics and firefighters pulling me out my car in a ditch

'Gnomes are notoriously German' things I said aloud at Aldi while browsing in the frivolity aisle

Why isn't there an Irish child rapper named lil wean