Sorry, can’t. I took my bra off and threw it across the room an hour ago. There’s no coming back from that.

Being a home owner is just replacing everything that isn’t concrete or metal every 18 months until you die.

Dream job unlocked. Teaching baby seals how to swim.

IRS: you owe us taxes

Me: how much do I owe?

IRS: you get to figure that out

Me: can I just pay what I want?

IRS: no we know exactly how much you owe but you have to guess the number too

Me: what if I guess wrong?

IRS: jail

If you give your kid a water bottle, they will lose that water bottle and swear that it's nowhere to be found, so you'll buy them another water bottle, at which point, the other water bottle will magically appear.

Oklahoma Department of Wildlife Conservation

If states can go back to laws from the 1860s to ban access to abortion, they can go back to the 14th Amendment from the 1860s and ban insurrectionists from running for office

I wish I was as tired at bedtime as I am at 3pm on any given day.

I'm ready for bed around 9ish, and by 9ish I mean 6:30PM.

“Prolife” my a$$hole. They just hate women & this is all about control so we can’t bruise their fragile male ego.

Dads love saying, “I can see 3 eggs from where I’m standing that you haven’t found yet.”

I’m crying in my laundry room

This is one of my favorite views of #Pittsburgh every spring.

Admit it. You used to draw the sun in the corner of all your pictures when you were a kid.

He's not a Nice Guy unless he's from the French town of Nice. Otherwise he's just a sparkling fuckboy.

😊

Get that a kid an ice cream and make sure doesn't get suspended! 👏🙌🏾

Someone once told me that I might have ADD, so I decided to look into it. After 5 minutes of research I found out that all the pandas in the world are on loan from China.