All those earnest people at your door trying to get you to go solar for free are scammers.

This decade could've been a day

Nix to a painting of my house in my house.

I put on the air conditioner, and now the air is much more manageable and full of bounce

You wear a Label.

What does yours say?

If you buy something with a lifetime warranty and it breaks, the manufacturer will send a hitman to your house.

Two assholes and two thumbs. It tracks.

These erudite musings, insightful observations, and Oxford commas are not the panty-droppers I thought they'd be.

Being less decisive would’ve helped me out a few many times.

This is just basic law and order stuff, Marge. No exemptions (unlike his taxes.) If Trump was a Democrat, your head would’ve exploded by now, trying to get him locked up.

And, yeah, this is my biggest bucket list item.

Lock. Him. TF. Up.

I GOT MY STATE TAX REFUND GET DRESSED BABY WE'RE GOING TO WHITE CASTLE

I bought myself some flowers but I'm still not putting out.

Everyone should write a confession that is released on the first anniversary of your death

Got a paper cut in the office this morning, and I knew something like this would happen when my stunt double called in sick.

If true, this guy is a murderer: nytimes.com/2024/04/11/us/…

“What news do you bring me from over the mountains, my little friend?”

“There is a great storm coming, you should find shelter soon. Also, I saw hunters camped in the valley.”

“Anything else?”

“Your mother wants to know if you’re eating enough. She says she worries about you.”

That time I sent a joke to Reader's Digest and they cancelled my subscription.

Today, OJ would be convicted easily—and quickly— because juries now revere DNA evidence and also because it’s no longer difficult to believe a celebrity did something monstrous. nymag.com/intelligencer/…

I’m entitling my autobiography, “Fifty Shades of Beige”.

Satan: We have a special place in Hell for people like you.
O.J.: For murderers?
Satan: No, for really bad actors.