I think we all know which part of afterlife Cotton Eye Joe went to

Every time a trojan brings me a horse I get excited, and there when there aren't 1000 men in it I get disappointed. You have no idea how much horse guts I've had to clean up.

But the horse I rode in on has NOTHING to do with this!

This documentary about WW2 does NOT pass the Bechtel test.

All the leaves are brown, and the sky is greeey, Oh I'm colorblind. fuck.

If you own a turtle surely the turtle knows it's going to outlive you?

I feel like stop and chats have gotten so much longer during the pandemic.
I just more time making small talk on the street with a neighbor than I have with my wife throughout our entire relationship.

Apparently someone saying I have shaggy hair does NOT mean they want to SHAG me. My mistake, dude.

Gotta say, Let's Go To Court has helped me get through the pandem. I like my murder stories like I like my popcorn salad - horrific and packaged primarily in the Midwest.

I've been using a weighted blanket for months and my muscles are huge now

'Sorry I missed the meeting, I was stuck under a weighted blanket'

Allergy season is like awards season for unhealthy people

I'm pitching a show about a talking racoon that lives in an apartment. How's your Monday? #MondayMorningRaccoonShowPitch

This documentary about WW2 does NOT pass the Bechtel test.

They say if you're afraid of homosexuals that deep down you're a homosexual, which worries me because I'm afraid of vampire bats.

I'm a baller (of melons)

What's the borderline between collecting & hoarding? Because I have a collection of 14,000 cats.

apparently if you touch a star in real life you'll immediately be vaporized. Nintendo is just asking for legal trouble.

My wife got me into RuPaul's drag Race, but now I keep calling her fishy and she super hates it.

They say that you can tell how much inflation there is by how much an Arizona iced tea costs. In Ontario now, it costs more than the store that sells it.