Those free shots they give you at the Mexican drive through are so spicy and don't even have any alcohol

I love how the circular photos of my colon look like shiny, new agate marbles.

Every tattoo tells a story. Like your wolf tattoo tells a story about missed child support payments

God: check this out

Angel: [peering down at Earth] wow it’s chaos down there, what did you do

God: I made parking cost $10

You're 40. At least put a small curve in the bill of your hat.

I don't even like leaving the house anymore...everything is expensive and people are more difficult than ever

I’m just here for the crockpot recipes.

I wish there was a Shazam for bird calls

Just me and my self-deprecating sarcasm against the world.

Therapist: So when do you think your anxiety started?

Me:

Do you ever just stop in the middle of an argument, and really want to ask Alexa what she thinks?

Freaked out over seeing something in my eggs and realized it was my fork.

[peeing behind a tree]

bonsai artist: I have restrooms

Sometimes it's just not your day

Idk when I started needing yoga pants to feel safe

This is pizza. And it's fantastic.

i tripped over my iphone charger and fell in front of everyone if you even care.

What kind of person are you if you don't verbally assault your work equipment.

I check every yellow car I see for a transformers symbol as Im always suspicious why someone would choose such a colour so it's probably Bumblebee

Her: You have no sense of direction.

Me: Where did that come from??