Such sad news about Kirk Cobain. I was probably his biggest fan. Rest in peace bug fella x

Me: Can we discuss my X-ray?

Doctor: We can try, but I've never met him

Do you think Medusa's pubes were little snakes?

Doctor: What's the problem?
Liam Neeson: Unknown
Doctor: Does it hurt?
Liam Neeson: Non-stop
Doctor: Are you on painkillers?
Liam Neeson: Taken two
Doctor: Are you just listing your films?
Liam Neeson: Batman Begins

Nobody:

Me: LORD OF THE RINGS IS A CHRISTMAS MOVIE THERE ARE ELVES.

No way that kid is 84

you (plebeian, unrefined): Die Hard is a Christmas movie

me (worldly, sophisticated): Die Hard is a Christmas film

People are like snowflakes. Individually small and ineffective, but if we work together we can make my step dad crash his car into a tree.

Last isthmus I gave you my chart
the very next day
you sank to your grave
This year
a ghost ship appears
you turned into something spectral

“Do I want to smell like a 15 year old boy?” I axe myself

my wife: we have to wear what we died in for eternity!?

st. peter: that’s right

me: [from the back end of our horse costume] what’d he say

The Grinch: I'm not a fan of the materialism of Christmas

An entire town for some reason: I hope he dies alone

[Christmas at the Schroedinger house]

Mrs Schroedinger: What's in the box, Earl?

The only similarity I have with actor Chris Evans is my teeth. They were capped in America.

Husband: *choking on a Dorito*

Me: Wait. When did we get Doritos?

Sloth isn't such a bad sin. It keeps me from committing the other six.

accidentally opened my eyes during prayer at church and saw jesus doing the worm

*sees a vagina for the first time*

That looks nothing like apple pie.

Red Cross: A blood donation is the best gift you can give to someone.

[Christmas morning]

Kids: [all screaming while opening presents]

Time of the year when I put salt on the driveway. Tis the seasoning.