At this point my ‘to-do’ list is just ‘yeah-right’ list.

I don’t need to go skating, I can look ungraceful right here.

I received a bank alert text for suspicious activity. I was buying fruit.

Him: Do you think Trump is starting to age, as you watch this trial?

Us: No, but we are.

And we're off! To a horrendous start

This thing can't possibly fulfil my expectations. Do you hear that, salad? I'm talking about you

You have to be in it, to win it.

Or to lose it.

Just saying.

Is it 'shitshow' or 'shit show'? I just want to get these wedding invitations right.

Today’s a good day to start something and not finish it.

What are these hopes and dreams that you guys keep talking about?

You call it huffing gasoline. I call it aromatherapy. We are not the same.

gonna start saying “tadaa” every time i complete the most mundane tasks. you know, jazz it up a little.

I hate when “healthy me” does the grocery shopping

Sorry ish

I started looking for something to watch on Netflix in 2020.

Me: You better eat your vegetables

My kid: but why

Me: they are good for you , they make your eyes brighter and skin glow

My kid (takes a hard look at me): I don’t think that’s true

Did the Bermuda Triangle just stop working one day? Why does no one spontaneously combust anymore? What happened to all the quicksand???

I KEEP A POTATO MASHER IN A DRAWER BECAUSE SOMETIMES IT'S FUN TO NOT BE ABLE TO OPEN THAT DRAWER.

'Aaj phir teri yaad aa gyi,
Jab paan wale ne poocha choona kitna lagana hai saab.'