Feeling loved, respected, and appreciated without having to beg or plead for it is top tier. If I don't get what I give, I stop talking and start feeling like a bother rather than a person of value.

They worried about global warming then they clearly haven't experienced the heat between a women's thighs.

Some parents are blessed with amazing kids and others have kids that decide to learn the trumpet.

Listen, I didn’t expect to know me either

Make his credit card tell him what you can’t.

mom said it's my turn with the internal suffering

Two Bluesky codes and $10 will get you a venti at Starbucks

an orgasm is an energetic spark that once ignited and kept alive intensely enough for as long as needed explodes into the most beautiful lightness of being

my wife: i wouldn’t know

Commas in numbers are more important than commas in sentences. There, I said it.

I’m an accountant; I work with numbers not words.
I EAT LETTERS FOR BREAKFAST!

*pours a bowl of Alpha-Bits cereal*

The best thing about being an accountant is getting jiggy with the numbers...

I’m sorry, I wasn’t listening. Could you repeat everything you said to me in the last three years?

You can’t hurt me you’re not how I feel

“Not tonight dear, I’ve got a haddock.”

Awkward silences? No problem. Just start beatboxing. Does it make things any less awkward? Absolutely not. But it eliminates the silence. Now it's just awkward beatboxing. You're welcome.

The only time you should be faking it is when your pet checks to see if you’re awake

If you're looking for a bad boy, I once didn't put my shopping cart back in its designed area.

Cashiers are always checking me out

Took a two hour nap and now I don't know which year it is or which state I'm in

sorry if i’m awkward i’m trying to straddle the line between hot crazy and restraining order crazy