costco exec: we should raise the price of the hotdog

costco ceo: don’t you ever fucking say that again

me eating a handful of cereal as a late night snack like

microdosing therapy by buying myself a little treat in the dollar spot at target

When I get anxious I talk really fast. But not quite “possible side effects” at the end of a pharma commercial fast.

'Aye, the sirens,' says the lighthouse keeper, picking a bit of tobacco from his beard. 'Some nights, when the wind is just so, I swear I can hear 'em singing.' 'What do they sing?' I prod him. A faraway look in his eyes, he says in a voice barely above a whisper, 'Tubthumping.'

Steinbeck: Furious Pears?
Publisher: Meh
Steinbeck: Miffed Mangos?
Publisher: Too Stan Lee
Steinbeck: Irate Tomatoes?
Publisher: Are those even fruit?
Steinbeck: Technically
Publisher: Still no
Steinbeck: The… Grapes of Wrath!
Publisher: …
Steinbeck: …
Publisher: *finger guns*

Sometimes I like to mess with my husband and text things like “I’m leaving y…” And an hour later text “your computer on the table”

Being part of the problem means you’re halfway there.

I had a teacher who didn’t recognize me in class one day, when I told her my name she responded with: but that’s not what you were wearing yesterday! I think about this every time I meet a new person

Went to the zoo yesterday and got to hear my kid and their friends argue “I saw the animal first!” at each stop, in case you were thinking of doing that soon.

Kicked off another flight for trying to start the 'give us a barrel roll!' chant

the good news: I’m down to one can of Diet Coke a day!

the bad news: I drink 47 ounces of coffee each morning

Just canceled the subscription for my kid’s picky eater vitamins and you’ll never guess why

Me: Rock me

Amadeus: what

Nothing prepares you for the things you hear when you share an Apple Music account with your kids.

Do not, under any circumstances, attempt to rock someone like a wagon wheel.

Them: There’s too much sugar in everything; we all need to cut back.

Food show hosts: Now there’s so much acid in the stomach you need this handful of sugar to tone it down.

Them: I'm having vegan for lunch.

Hannibal Lecter: What a coincidence.

If you see me in my car cookie monstering some treats mind ya business

lunch time or what i like to call sitting in my car and listening to true crime for thirty minutes.