thinking about beloved sacabambaspis

professor: ... you've ... installed python before?

student: no, this is my first time

professor: your envs are isolated per project. who taught you to do that?

student: it seemed the right way

professor: *muttering* he shall know your ways as though born to them

why do supermarkets have cheese in so many places, here’s the fancy cheese, here’s the ok cheese, here’s the auxiliary cheese display like please..no more riddles

I'm trying these. I'll let you know if it's a good idea. 🧵

Man on the DLR: Are you prepared for today's meeting?
Woman: No.
Man: It's at 9am.
Woman: I know it's at 9am Dave. And I remain, unprepared.

Urm. This is my greatest achievement. And yet more evidence that radio is the best thing ever invented.

What You Gonna Do With A Sexy Zuck?

I suggested to my wife that it seemed pointless to continually fill the bird feeder, as the squirrels always empty it in hours. Behind me, my son said, “It’s in your interest for the squirrels to be on your side when the Great War begins,” and ate another spoonful of Froot Loops.

Club Tropicana has been bugging me for four decades now.
Exhibit A: 'All that's missing is the sea'
Exhibit B: 'Watch the waves break on the bay'

Is there sea or is there not sea? Or are you at the Oasis in Swindon, George? #SongsThatContradictThemselves

𝒥𝑒𝓌𝓁𝒾𝑒 Elizabeth Brandon The memory of his own dumb words bouncing around his skull like the windows logo on a screensaver

Someone from Piers Morgan's staff asked if I would like to come onto Pier's show, Piers Morgan Uncensored, to talk about the state of his attire. Since he invited feedback, I thought I'd do a thread comparing his style to menswear icon Kermit the Frog. 🧵

WE HAS THE LEARNS

You better take that Horse to the Old Town Road…

GOD: okay everyone gets one thing from this bag of traits
ELEPHANT: i shall take a long nose
GOD: how fun
BUTTERFLY: i shall have beautiful wings
GOD: oho yes very charming
MOSQUITO: i shall be a heinous little bitch
GOD: you know what this is my fault i did put that in the bag

Finished the morning round and not a single question on Ed Balls Day. Why do they hate our country and its traditions?

'How do you handle stressful situations?'

Me:

Ed Balls

Bad news for anyone hoping for a jellyfish apocalypse

Jesus told her, “Go, close the tab you are using.”

“I am using no tabs,” she replied.

Jesus said to her, “You are right when you say you are using no tabs. The fact is, you have had 56 tabs open, and the one you now have open you are not using.”

from impersonating a seagull to the latest on Trump's trial what RANGE