I am a strong, powerful, and confident woman. Unless there is a bee close to me.

If tuna is the chicken of the sea, then oysters are the toenail of the ocean.

Spent my teens and 20s applying copious amounts of compact powder on my face to take away the shine to only arrive to my 40s wanting all the glowing and dewy skin I can get.

People who customize their license plates with the make and model of their vehicles, thank you. I didn’t know what kind of vehicle it was by looking at the front, sides, and rear.

One of the worst parts of being an empty-nester… I can no longer blame the kids for eating donuts on Saturday morning.

I hope my friends don’t find out I own a coat.

-Teenagers

The year is 2023. You’re on a walk in your neighborhood when you see some kids on the corner selling something and they yell, “caramel apples for sale - $5 and we take Venmo and Apple Pay!”

If you give a kid a snack, you feed him for 15 min. If you teach a kid to get his own snack, he'll empty the pantry in a single day.

I had the brilliant idea of getting Chick-fil-A, Inc. at 9pm and apparently 299 other people did as well.

When two consenting adults come together and decide to eat ice cream for dinner, it’s magical.

Dang, my ankle hurts!

*remembers a frozen pack of chicken falling out of the freezer earlier that morning striking ankle

“I’m going to take my lawn to the next level”

-morning coffee talk with my husband

Time and tested advice:

If you need to poop, just go to TJ Maxx. 9/10 times it works.

I need to know. Do mailman actually get it on with random suburban moms? Where does that saying come from?

I fell for this once already…

To everyone who stayed up late, woke up early, gave up their Sunday afternoon… we are incredibly sorry that the Love is Blind Live Reunion did not turn out as we had planned. We're filming it now and we'll have it on Netflix as soon as humanly possible. Again, thank you and…

Breaking news: Netflix has never done a live reunion show, and they still haven’t #LoveIsBlindLIVE

The people behind the Netflix server crash #LoveIsBlind

Love is Blind because I am not seeing crap right now. Netflix had me fooled.

Just because the gas pumps at Costco can reach across your vehicle doesn’t mean you should do it.