There is no bias in the decision making process, we relied on the expert judgments of outside letter writers. And I personally selected each of the letter writers to assure fairness.

We are cracking down on protesters in the same manner as our aspirational peer institutions. It’s a KPI in the strategic plan.

The AAUP chapter and the Faculty Senate both issued signed statements. That’s a completely different matter altogether!

Malcontent permanent associate professors sign statements. Donors sign checks. Who do you *think* we’re gonna listen to?

Please remember if you are delivering food to our student protesters to include vegan and gluten-free options. They can’t show their commitment to cause on an empty stomach!

Protesting doesn’t get you a 5 for service.

There is an inverse relationship between the faculty protesting and returned indirects. Not sure how the college should use this information… but I have some ideas.

We are charging a tailgate site fee to each tent in the protester encampment. It’ll automatically appear on bursar accounts. We know who you are—thank you for putting your SIDs on your phones!

We cannot authorize restraining protesting students, but we will gladly fire protesting faculty. Please give us cause…

Due to student outcry, we will be returning the 18-foot-tall lawn jockey sculpture to the alumnus who gifted it to the college.

Your research bursary can’t be used to cover camping equipment.

We canceled our Middle East politics course this Spring but our course in campus activism was standing room only! #winning

Getting arrested isn’t a university excused absence.

We haven’t “canceled commencement.” We merely decided to rerun the Zoom Commencement of May 2020 as part of our Salute to Pandemic Innovation.

The frats want to know if campus police need help with the protesters. They are ready to step in!

Just because you are woman doesn’t mean you can’t mansplain. So please stop mansplaining to your junior colleagues

The new dean is a Milton scholar. I hope this informs you about our organization and culture. (Someone explain it to the engineers)

The new VP is from New Orleans. After the announced program cuts, he’ll lead a second-line to HR.

There are two types of professors. Those who protest and those who enjoy watching their colleagues getting arrested.

“ . . . meaningful, lasting and impactful committee product.”