I’m sick of trying to figure everything out all the time so I’m just going to sit down on the ground for awhile and do a thin smile at everything. Oh that’s happening? Ok. Well, looks like I’m still alive so I guess we’re all good here

fucking FINALLY my hero’s journey has led me to my promised land. I cannot fully commit to a fish but I need an option that makes sense

whatever you say man lol

“Hey what should we call this stuff you apply to your skin that isn’t cream?”

Weird deformed half animal abomination in the corner of the room: “Ointment.”

Guy just walked by wearing a shirt that says “I have no shelf control” with a picture of a shelf with a bunch of stuff on it. This is wonderful. I’ve found a new type of person. This guy loves shelves! He wants to put things on them. That’s great, I’m happy for him

google translate really handing me my ass in a basket today

god i genuinely love to see people cheering at the moon. This shouldn’t just be done at eclipses either, we should all be regularly screaming at the sky

I am happily obsessed with the McDonald’s breakfast menu items in Prague. Asking me what I want to do in a beautiful location is useless. My friend, listen to me: I want to go to McDonald’s to eat a proper breakfast, as it should be, as well as many other egg McMuffin variations

Watching “Signs” at 1am in a hotel room in the dark and there’s a lamp in the corner that keeps randomly freaking out and flickering even though I’m pretty fucking sure it’s turned off? But it’s ok I think it’s just agreeing with my choices and trying to be part of the experience

me and my friend when they call our order at del taco and we are starving

Every tweet now is like “I love spaghetti. What’s another #meal you can eat?”

a woman wished me a “happy resurrection” today except i forgot what day it was so i got a little worried for a minute

please don’t try to make a golf appointment with me

After every movie preview in a theater, I announce, “good, I’m glad that will be happening”

new pose from my dog just dropped

the best time to kick my ass would be when I am making my morning english muffin. please don’t though

“i just followed a pigeon on TikTok,” i say to you as you are in the room with me but you are an alien from space and don’t understand and say “what?” and i point to my phone and say “i subscribed to a pigeon on my phone” and you’re like “ok? is it coming here?”

he saw a g-g-g-ghost

When there’s like 27 studios with little intros before a film starts, at some point I start aggressively whispering, “yeah c’mon one more,” after each one and cheering like it’s sports when I get my wish