Welcome to menopause, your hair will now be reallocated

Happy Earth Day. You don't look a day over 4,400,000,000 and get hotter every year.

People with business cards can't wait to give you their business card

“Please Claudette, let me come home. I promise I’ll try to be more supportive.”

In an alternate universe, the Tooth Fairy shoves extra teeth in your mouth if you don't leave her money under your pillow.

“Have you tried sleeping?”

-Me, as a therapist.

I love being single until it’s time to cut the grass

What’s all this talk about torturing poets? Did they ban the use of idioms?

Finding out is just a scam invented by big fuck around.

I don't dress for women. I don't dress for men. I dress for the weather, mainly.

Hello 911? It’s an emergency, my coworker can’t name one Pearl Jam song.

I don’t smoke weed so to me 420 means the amount of blackbirds in a pie. Man those ravens were BAKED!

You know what? I’m just going to eat this entire bag of chips and get it over with.

Not all heroes wear capes and not all who wear capes are heroes. For example Dracula is kind of an asshole

Short sticks made from a densely rolled paper material? Those are for suckers!

I don’t mean to brag but I have a very contagious yawn.

The date didn't go well but she was nice enough to send a PDF of everything I did wrong afterwards.

What kind of career path are you seeking?

Me: A sociopath.

I will fully admit saying “Know what I mean jellybean?”

In my defense I was never cool..

My husband: *Takes a deep breath and exhales*

Me: What’s THAT supposed to mean??!