Can I come over and sing Backstreet Boys songs to you while you're sleeping? Yes or No

I will never forget the time that I helped interview a man for a job opening and when he was asked what he would contribute to the team he said “probably snacks”

Did not expect to spend my sexual prime shaving pilly sweaters

What's your favorite movie about juice from beetles?

We need more Bort license plates

sorry men under 40 but you just don't have balls saggy enough to hit my clit during doggystyle & that's a thing I'm into rn

Never stop trying! there's always a deeper level of giving up

I hugged a guy goodbye after a date and he commented we were the same height and without hesitation I was like “I like it because I’ll always know where your mouth is” and he was like 😏 and I was like 😏

fuck it all
go enjoy yourself.
life is supposed to be fun

If it ain't broke, it hasn't met me yet

Hi everyone! It’s ✨Spicy Audio Wednesday ✨ and I’m back with a new one! Here’s the teaser for it!! 💜🖤💜🖤💜

“Excuse me, waiter?”
“Yes sir, is there a problem?”
“I asked for my pasta al dente.”
“Was it prepared incorrectly?”
“I’m afraid it’s a little Chewie.”

Pretty sure my ex identifies as an eclipse. He too lasted about 4 minutes and afterwards I would just sit there in the dark contemplating my life choices.

Ozzy Osbourne wrote Crazy Train because he had a Loco Motive

Give him a little ‘body language’.

Termite: *chokes on the splinters*

I don't like playing music on shuffle. My brain knows which song should be next on the album, and hearing the wrong one doesn't feel right.

Me: Those shoes are fresh!

12: Mom. No.

Me: Don’t be whack.

taxidermy me when i die, you cowards.

~joins 9:30 meeting at 9:30:59~